Limerence

A truth I didn't know about myself...

Photo by Gabriela Gutierrez on Unsplash

Over the last year or so, I came across this word Limerence. I had never seen or heard it before so when the post came across my TL I decided to read it. Afterwards, it felt like a hard weight was dropped into my heart as I had to swallow a harsh truth about myself that I was unaware of. Here’s the definition of the word: “An involuntary, intense psychological state of romantic obsession and infatuation.” (Dorothy Tennov, Love and Limerence, 1979).

If you’ve read any of my previous articles than you know my love life is a flop. While the things I have written are the honest truth, here’s another one I recently discovered. I guess I have always been one of those girls, now lady, who got too caught up in the Disney princess stories thinking that was real life. It is for some, but not all.

The constant rejection I faced, and still do, has caused me to live in my own dream world you could say. My life looks so different there and all my life I have been trying to make my dream world my reality. Mistake number 1. I know scripture tells us to wait on God, but only recently, have I discovered that in the wait you are supposed to be becoming while you wait. I’m not sure anything is happening though.

In my previous article, Waiting, But Not So Well, I talked about how it felt to see everyone passing me by in life getting married, having kids, successful careers and then there’s me single, childless, about to start at my 5th nail salon in 2 weeks and barely making ends meet. I never thought connecting with someone would be this hard for me.

I remember growing up I would have talks with my dad when a crush didn’t like me back or maybe I was liked at first, but there was always someone they liked better (not to mention I didn’t cross the sexual activity line until I was 20). He would ask me what’s wrong and after I told him he would say “Baby girl, you can’t paint these pictures of people and put them on a pedestal before they show you who they are, you’ll end up disappointed every time.” Boy is he right ! I really lived in a fairytale mentally, thinking love would be easy and that I’d have the high school or collegiate love story, but that wasn’t my life.

I didn’t quite understand as a child but now I’m an adult and I get it. The lack of experience in love has caused me to want it real bad aka desperation. Now I got my limits and I wouldn’t do anything for love, but turns out I have been desperate for it. I really wanted it, I seemed to be the only one who couldn’t have it. Could you imagine being the person people have the nerve to be jealous of and hate yet have no clue how lonely she is inside, how bad she just wants to feel like someone sees her cause she’s been invisible it seems all her life. I wanted to date just like everybody else was. Mama would tell me, “Those girls aren’t a girlfriend just for looks, they’re having sex and unless that’s something you’re willing to do, it’s gone be challenging for you. You’re not ready for that and that’s okay. When God is ready, it’ll happen for you.” Well I guess God still ain’t ready and it’s still not the time. Growing up, you think your mom just be talking to be talking sometimes, but after hearing the conversations and then seeing evidence of the fucking that was going on because they couldn’t hide the reaction to their actions no more after a certain amount of months (pregnancy), I realize Mama was putting me up on game.

I had been holding on to this desire for as long as I can remember and have made the terrible habit of becoming a woman in Limerence. I meet someone talk and flirt and think it could go somewhere but it doesn’t. No further than a crush and for the ones that got lucky because I was tired of waiting, no further than sex. At the end of it I’m left feeling worthless, not valuable, like a joke. I spent my entire life trying to be worthy and a girl turned woman of substance and it has gotten me nothing. I spent so many years chasing and wanting love because I felt like I was missing out on not having a relationship, always being the single friend. Society doesn’t make it any better, the timelines, the highlighted reels, the single shaming and childless shaming. How come no one wanted to make me the girlfriend, the wife, the mom? I guess I just don’t have the spark, I guess I’m just not that girl.

I told y’all I’m 30 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship and honestly I know I’ve been spared from some of the bullshit that people cover up. The lies, cheating, the he been with you for years and got a kid(s), but he still don’t want to get married, we did get married, but it was only because of the kids and now he got outside children, he using me for a cover up because he really gay, and he’s really abusive and I’m fighting for my life everyday.

Don’t get me wrong it’s a whole lot of shit God has spared me from, but that’s not everyone’s story. There are some couples who are truly in love and got the chance to get it out the mud together. That's the type of love I’ve always wanted, but can’t seem to achieve it. And please don’t hit me with the focus on me and God, like that is so obvious. Can a woman just be brutally honest and obedient to God? I’ve been called to put my business out here to y’all and majority of you just gone talk shit about me anyways, still misunderstand my point, or keep scrolling and not read at all so save me the cliche’s will you?

I recently went through Limerence again within these last 2 years. There was the gangsta/father that I thought might’ve been ready for something different, but foolish me, he wasn’t ready…..

Then I ended up back in touch with a childhood classmate I hadn’t seen in like 16 years. You talking about someone that always play and can make me laugh? Yeah, even when we were kids, he’d do the same thing. I thought he could’ve been the reason I had been waiting so long, but false alarm again. Now I’m talking about a man who is also a gangsta, but think Nipsey Hussle type; an intellectual gangsta with a bachelor’s. I wasn’t mad about it, I was here for it. I knew this man was smart and the way he noticed the small things about me was weird to me and I actually was overlooking it at first. I remember thinking to myself I need to pay attention to who’s pay attention to me. So that’s what I decided to do.

My angel tapped me on my shoulder one day (God gave all of us one at birth) and told me he was in a relationship and mind you I was confused because we were friends on Facebook and I saw no signs of a relationship so I thought he was a free agent. That search engine a mf though. Here I was doing it the lazy way to confirm what I was feeling in my spirit instead of just going through my friend’s list and BOOM ! The evidence was there, not only was he in a relationship, but he been in the mf so long hell it’s common law now. I was so fucking crushed bro. I finally felt like I met someone on my level spiritually and intellectually and it was a flop. I was wondering why he seemed interested, but wasn’t making a move and I indeed found out.

Limerence causes a looootttttt of disappointment man, like honestly I get Hebrews 11: 1 applies to even the love my heart desires but I’m just starting to feel foolish hoping for it to happen. I get it that’s what God does, use what looks foolish and delusional in terms of believing in what you can’t see, but right now all I can see is the disappointment in myself, in others, in the way romantic love has played out in my life. I’m trying my best not to turn cold but the more disappointment I experience the more it makes my heart heavy; I get it I’m fully responsible even if I was mislead a few times. It’s still up to me to pay attention because society doesn’t hold men accountable for the games they play and/or flirting when they’re taken, you’re just the dumb ass for falling for it. I guess I am. I’ve fell many times for it, the dreams that were sold, the little attention I would get because despite what people think based off my looks I don’t receive a lot of it, the breadcrumbs, and the mind games. Guess who’s left trying to piece themselves back together while the men move on to the next or go back to their lives like they didn’t do anything wrong by delivering false hope and not being honest. Me. And according to society that’s my fault I got my hopes up. Men are not held accountable for the way they play with people’s feelings and mishandle people as if it’s okay that they do this.

So now I’ve decided to play it safe, if I don’t have any expectations I can’t be disappointed right? True. If he’s not jumping through hoops to prove something to me he doesn’t like me cause that’s what a man does when he really likes you right? Okay, notes taken. No more Limerence for me I have done enough for a long time and it’s been damaging to me and that’s it. I’m a loner and I’m learning to just thrive in that, I can’t say I expect love anymore I mean if it happens cool and if not cool too right? After all they say you can’t miss something you’ve never had and I have never had true romantic love….